I always heard that "if you want to get a great success, you need to work hard", even if you have a talent or skill, if you keep lazy and not doing things right, don't ever think to achieve it.

let see, since I was a child, I always think that I'm not ordinary child like other child that I called my friend, when I'm in elementary school, even I never get a 1st rank in my class, but at least the worst rank that I ever got is 5th. and it keep going until I graduate in middle school. because of that I always think that I'm kinda genius. why is that? because even I'm not studying, I always smarter than my friend. and at that time I start to interested in to music, in the middle school a boy that can play music is look cool in front of the girls, or at least I think that way, so I start to learn playing a guitar, even I'm not good enough until now tho. 

when I'm in highschool, I still think that I'm not an average boy, even my grade is dropping than when I'm in middle school, but I never got below 10th. I still don't realize that I need to study, I keep playing around, read a manga in class, listening to music when the teacher is explaining, rarely go to supplementary class. different from middle school, a boy that play sport is much cooler than a boy that can play a music. my friend ask me to join a basketball club in my school, and I don't know for what reason, I join them, even I didn't know how to play a basketball at that time. I'm not that bad tho until now, but not that good also lol. 

when I graduated from highschool, I register into a intensive class for preparing a college exam, and again, in that class I still stand out than others, because of that i lost my interest to attend the class, I keep playing and playing, at that time I addicted to online games. even so I still accepted in a great university, much better than my friends who always study at that time. i got more cocky than ever. 

but my life is get twisted from here, in the 1st year at the college, my life is still the same, I rarely study, rarely going to the class, keep playing, and the result is not bad, I pass all the class that I take. in the 2nd year, I'm getting worse, I never attend a class, always playing, and boom!! I just pass one class from 6 class that I take, and it's getting worse for another 4 year. and the result is I can't graduated from the college. 

Many of my friend trying to console me, some of them even lecture me. they said that I didn't work hard, one of them even said that I didn't work at all. I still think every word they said to me untill now, "am I really that lazy?" 

2-3 month after that incident, I make a decision, that I need to work myself harder, my senior ask me to work with him, I did my best there, I did every task he ask to me. I enjoy work with him, and I feel that it's work well. but in fact, it's beyond my imagination, he said that he can't work with me if i keep playing around, he never see me working he said, he can't see my passion he said. Dang!! I really don't know what to think at that time, my mind just go blank, "WHAT??, Is he kidding me?" I thought. I even finished an imposible task that he ask me. and yet he still think that I'm not working. 

because of that I always wonder, "am I not working hard enough?" and I thinking back to my childhood memory, I always in the "middle", I never got a 1st place in class, but not in the bottom also, I'm not good enough playing guitar for my friend to ask me join their band, I'm not good enough playing basket for my coach ask me to playing in starter team, maybe my effort is not good enough too for my senior to ask me still work with him.

even I feel that I work hard for every things that I do (except study), but what did I get? just dissapoinment. I learn to play guitar until my finger bleed, I train harder that my teammate when playing basketball, I read and practice a programming language even I didn't sleep for several days, what do they expect me to do for they accept my effort? they still that it's not enough. for them I'm just an average boy.
Currently I'm just a guy who doesn't have a job.
I waste my time watch a movie or just play a game in my pc.

after watch so many movie or serial,
I wonder what kind of job that I will got,
what kind of job that I'll enjoy.

talk about job,
when I watch a serial about a hospital,
in one episode, a relatives of one doctor who work there is getting sick.
and for some reason, that doctor was suggested by her friend to not involved in the diagnostic about the patient.
the reason is "you can't take care the patient if get emotionaly attached with the patient, it will affect your judgment"
at that time, I think that explanation is acceptable,
but after that episode ended, I was thinking, how cruel is that, to watch your relatives get sick, and you can't do anything to help him/her, and yet you're a doctor.

in other serial,
The story is about a detective,
in one episode, he has a case that involved his friend.
and for same reason, his collagues scold him because he try to investigate it.
and I was thinking the same like in doctor case.
at first I was agree with the reason, and disagree later.

I'm still wondering bout it.
what's the right answer for it?
should they involved with their cases?or not?
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I never expect to become part of your heart, I just want to see you smile and said "he used to loving me" when you see me.
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Tomorrow I will go home..
to the place where my family are
I'm sure they will happy when they see my face,especially my mother, because It's almost a half of a year that I didn't come home.
and I'm not sure that I will be happy either to see them.
what kind of person that don't happy to see their family? either he/she has a guilt or they just a fuckin retard.
and which one is that stupid "me" up there?
Is that "me" has a guilt toward his family? or he's just a retard?

This "me" is just a normal boy,
He's like playing, hate study, sometimes doing a bad things, like other boy in the world, but I'm sure that not all boy, just majorities.
his parents raise him with all their love, they feed him, they buy him a toys, they buy him a book, they pay his school fee.
and he answer their love with his love too.
he go to school,in elementary he's scoring a good score in exam and else, get a good rank in class (not best tho).
and in middle school, he go to a middle class school, he's doing well there too, he got a good score in a final exam, and he's going to a best highschool in that town..and I guess this is his turning point.
for 3 years there, he never got a good score, let say he's just a middle man if we compare him to other student there.
He's not the best but not the worst, just so so.
but his parents still love him, they never angry to him just because he become a middle student there. they still proud of him. and because of that, he try his best to make them happy (at least that's what he said).
he study, not hard tho, just spent more time that he ussually did. and what the result.
he pass the exam to a best university in this country..
he come home, tell his parents and you can imagine how happy they were..
he go to that university, and because of that university is out of the town, he lives alone, far from his parents.
at first, he feel awkward with his new life.
no one prepare the food when he got home anymore.
no one wash his laundry anymore.
no one manage his money anymore.
and what do you think that he'll do? crying to his mom? go back home eery week?
nope, actually he's happy!
he let his laundry, he eat what he want, he empty his wallet empty.
why he do that? is he from a rich family that his parent will sent him a money when his wallet is empty? no!big no!
he came from a mere business man, even his father has many debt to sent him there.
so why he do that? the answer is clear like a crystal. he's IDIOT!!
he borrow money from his friends. not just once. he did that many time.
he always pay them back tho.

after six years he's there.
is he graduated already?no!
is he finishing his final project?no!
then what's he doing? he just sat in front of computer in his room.
he play a game, brows some site, chat with his friend.. like a nerd always do.
he came to this town with full support from his parents to study..
he study but not hard.
he came to class but not often.
and what do you expect from that attitude? of course he's got a problem with that.
and now he can't graduated from that university, he must move to other..
his teacher say that to him a long time ago, but untill now he's not telling his parent yet.
and now time is running out, he must tell them.
and he's not ready.

he got so many debt to pay, he must tell his parent the problem that he's sure will make his parent dissapointed even angry to him.
he now that this's because his own mistake. he's not blamming it to others.
he try to convince himself that this is a tough life that he lives..even he know that actually that his life is not tough, but just pathetic.

All of us now
Bent as we fall
To amorous light
We call out
Why are we so alone
Even with company?
If not the moon
Will us guide
Will then the street light?

All of us now
Breathe it like smoke
To know what it's like
Breathing to choke

Well for nine days
A small moth has
Tried to escape
Our bedroom

Why are we so alone
Even with company?
We are the prey
For each day
A striking distance

Why are we so alone
Even with company?
If not the moon
Will us guide
Will then the street light?

Why are we so alone
Even with company?
We are the prey
For each day
A striking distance

Behind the drapes - MEW
I just watch a serial from japanese TV..
I remember some guy talk to his teacher who has a great looking, he said " hey sensei, when we are all born as humans, why is it that some are good looking guys and some, unattractive guys, like me? It's a lie that we're all equal!

and I start to think, some people with a good looking face or body, sometimes lack in brain, or some people with a smart brain, they haven't got a good looking appearances, maybe not about face that handsome or beautiful, in some movie, a bookworm is identical with a weak body, they not good at sport or else..
and some sport guy is identical with a empty brain.
but that's not always tho..

we human, there must be something that we can brag about ourself because we're good at it, and there must be something that we can't brag because we're bad at it.

let see, me, not really a good looking guys, not a smart one, quite weak at sport. so what can I brag?
and what can you brag about yourself?